You Know You’re (Almost) 38 Weeks Pregnant When…

19 Jan

…you actually cry because your cable installation appointment has to be rescheduled for 3 days later… (In MY defense-Daddy Perks and I gave cable up for an ENTIRE year and now we’re getting it back-so when we missed our appointment window yesterday after I’d spent the entire day dreaming of loading up our DVR, it WAS pretty traumatic to swallow that I’d have to wait until Friday…)

…you have your 38 week checkup and upon realizing you’ve been holding steady at the same weight for quite some time-you reward yourself with a Whopper Value Meal on the way home…

…your husband taps you on the back to tell you to come up to bed (because you’ve undoubtedly fallen asleep on the couch for the umpteenth night in a row at an embarassingly early hour) and he feels your shirt is drenched with sweat-in the middle of January-even when the thermostat is set ridiculously low-because you are LITERALLY cooking another human being inside of you.  So no-you don’t feel guilty when your husband is wearing long johns to bed just so that you won’t have a heat stroke in the dead of winter…

…you’re trying to eat your Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup for lunch and you quite literally can’t sit close enough to the table to keep from spilling because your stomach is entirely too large to push your seat in…

…you’re roaming through the food aisles of Target on the phone with one of your best girlfriends and all in the same breath you tell your toddler “No you may not have Goldfish crackers right  now-oh ok, here you go” as you reach to open a bag. After all-they were on sale-and you just bought yourself 30+ more minutes of uninterrupted browsing while your kid munches away…

…any and ALL physical activities cause you to become winded…this is included but not limited to the following: going up and down stairs, bending over to do laundry, emptying/loading the dishwasher, carrying your toddler around, eating a whopper from Burger King, switching from one side to another while laying in bed, searching for the remote control, putting on/taking off shoes of any kind…

…you’ve lost the ability to accurately shave your body due to the fact that a watermelon-like obstruction is severely hindering your overall vantage point on your body…

…you’ve adopted the “I’m-too-pregnant-to-fight-you-on-this” mentality and given up on constantly prohibiting your toddler from getting into forbidden spaces in your house including but not limited to: pantries, coat closets, bathroom cupboards, etc.  Which consequently results in balsamic vinegar being dumped all over your kitchen floor, shoes being left all over your family room, and your child’s random exploration of personal hygiene products…

…your day-to-day wardrobe is now mostly consisting of stretchy shirts and leggings with some sort of boot that you’re still able to reach and put on your foot.  Your husband has repeatedly reminded you that leggings are NOT pants and that he’d prefer you NOT go out in public wearing only leggings, but you secretly know that by wearing the thinnest layer of clothing possible to your doctor’s appointment, you’re aiding in your efforts to not add to your weight gain by wearing extra heavy clothing-ergo-ensuring that your post doctor’s appointment trip to Burger King for your Whopper Value Meal will happen…

…you should be setting aside a small stipend each day to account for the escalated water bill and high volume of toilet paper consumption that is currently happening in your household due to your obnoxiously frequent trips to the bathroom…

…during said trips to the bathroom, you almost always now have the thought-“Am I gonna be that girl whose baby starts coming out as I’m going to the bathroom? And if so-should my game plan just be to catch the baby with my hands, frantically search for my phone which I hopefully brought with me to the bathroom, OR enlist my toddler to aid in the delivery of his baby brother…

…you start anticipating the reality that your due date is on Superbowl Sunday, and that it’s quite possible that your hubby’s beloved Pittsburgh Steelers will be playing in that Superbowl.  And you wonder-will the nurses be judging us if we happen to be in labor during the game and request for the game to be on in the delivery room?  You also think…am I crafty enough to induce myself into labor on my due date so that my husband’s dream of his second son’s birth and a Steeler’s Superbowl victory can happen on the same day…

…only time will tell…

PS…to update all you loyal PERKS followers-as of my doctor’s appointment this morning-I am NOT dilated, effaced, or showing ANY signs of labor.  And to quote my doctor, he said…”Oh baby is still WAY up there.”  It appears we may have another poky little puppy on our hands…which is just fine with me considering I’m not quite ready for our family of 3 to become 4.  After all-I still have to clean out the front hall closet.

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5 Responses to “You Know You’re (Almost) 38 Weeks Pregnant When…”

  1. Abby January 19, 2011 at 11:46 pm #

    Omiword. Totally LOLed while reading! You crack me up – particularly the baby coming out while on the toilet thought!!!!!! B had to ask me what I was laughing at. Praying for dilation and effacement for you 🙂

  2. Tucker's Mama January 20, 2011 at 12:06 am #

    Of course, I LOLed while reading too! What got me was the part about Henry having to aid in the delivery of his baby brother! Oh and let Daddy Perks know that we are also HUGE Steeler fans (afterall, I lived in PA for 13 years of my life and most of my fam is still there!), so a small part of me can understand his “dream”! The larger part of me is just trying to forget all the “perks” of being 38 weeks pregnant so that I’ll actually want to be there again some day lol! And even though it’s hard to think of going any further, those babies that bake longer reach those milestones sooner…. Yeah, okay that probably didn’t help at all. Just hang in there girl! 🙂

  3. gina January 20, 2011 at 1:09 am #

    Toooo funny. This cracked me up.

    Also? Everyone said I’d miss being pregnant. I so do not. Not yet anyway, especially after being reminded of that whole difficult-turning-over-in-bed thing.

    Hang in there, sister.

  4. Rach January 21, 2011 at 5:58 pm #

    I needed a smile. Talking to you this morning and reading this post made me thank God for such a funny friend. You always keep me laughing – half the time b/c you say stuff out loud that I have thought or am currently thinking:). Somehow you get me like that….:)

  5. Sheri January 21, 2011 at 6:38 pm #

    Very very funny post! I love that your sweet Perky husband is wearing long johns to bed.. oh my word, I froze Billy out BOTH times. I would want he thermostat on 62 in the dead of winter. Crazy. And the whole bit about catching your baby as you go potty??? I thought the same thing. Only it was when I was walking up stairs near the end of my second pregnancy. I had thoughts of a baby falling out and hitting his head on the steps and having to call child protective services on myself. The craziness that pregnancy does to us can not be matched by a true real mental disorder. 🙂 (says the therapist!) 🙂

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