I took the plunge…again.

3 Apr

I take it back.

I take it alllllllllllllll back.

Remember about a year ago when I posted this?  I lamented about taking the plunge.

And by taking the plunge, I was of course referring to the treacherous task of buying a maternity bathing suit.  Well once again I say, I take it all back.  Why did none of you mommies out there tell me?  Why didn’t you laugh in my face and say…

“Oh Mama Perks-you naive mommy-to-be.  You ain’t seen nothing yet.  You thought the maternity bathing suit was bad?”

Ha. Ha. Ha.  Want your ego to feel a REAL kick in the gut? Just wait until next summer.  Oh yes.  That’s right, we said next summer.  Remember? That’s when you’ll no longer have a baby growing in your belly AKA an excuse to buy a bathing suit with more stretchy, forgiving material to hide the imperfections.

And so it happened.  Next summer came.  Well-almost.

And last Saturday, I once again-took the plunge.

Except this time, Henry wasn’t in my belly.  Actually, he wasn’t even with me.  Well not in the flesh anyways.  He was however staring back at me in the dressing room mirrors in the form of a few stretch marks and my lack-of-toned-(insert all body parts).  Let’s just say-to put it politely-I’ve enjoyed the breastfeeding diet.  And by that I mean…I haven’t so much as thought twice about a single morsel I’ve put into my body over the past seven months.  And quite frankly-I really haven’t had to.  Every single pregnancy pound has melted away.  In fact-I weigh less now then I did before I got pregnant.

Now if I could just figure out a way to strike a deal with the breastfeeding gods on how to tone those inner thighs while I continue to stuff my face with chips ‘n salsa, french fries and other tasty treats while not lifting a finger…well then I’d really be a rich woman.

So meanwhile, it was back to the drawing board for this mama-with-a-7-month-old.  (Gasp-Baby Perks did indeed turn 7 months old on Wednesday. And yes for you loyal LIFOP readers…the 7 month post is coming.)

And as I headed out into the retail world, I hoped that the bathing suit gods would somehow take pity on me.  At the time, I don’t think I even knew what kind of pity I was seeking.  Perhaps the kind where you don’t end up in the Target dressing room staring at your cellulite thinking…why can’t I just be Heidi Klum?  Just for today-please bathing suit gods, let me channel my inner-Heidi as I slip on the lycra.

Remember a few years back when Heidi Klum did the Victoria’s Secret fashion show like 3 hours after she gave birth to her son (whose name is Henry!) and walked down the runway in what could probably have been mistaken as dental floss with a look on her face like, “Oh. Wait. You mean everyone doesn’t look like this after giving birth to a child? Weird.”  That woman is a freak of nature.

Well, I’m not Heidi Klum.  And unfortunately I don’t have legs-for-days.  Or abs of steel.  Instead, I spent the afternoon slipping in and out of mommy-friendly bathing suits.  You know the kind I’m talking about?  I’ll give you a hint.  They aren’t from the 2-piece, string bottom ties, strapless, low-cut, low-rise, or triangle top families.

Oh no.  The suits I tried on were distant relatives to those young, flirty numbers.  Their tags included keywords such as:

“Hip Hider.”


“Tummy Trimmer.”

And just when I thought all hope was lost, I stumbled upon a couple choices that helped me straddle somewhere between the worlds of MTV Spring Break and Senior Retirement Home bathing suit attire.

Now all I need is a healthy dose of sunshine, a few days for my bruised ego to heal, and some Henry snuggles to remind me that a perfect bikini body ain’t worth a dime when you’ve got this million dollar smile to come home to…

Why can’t we all look this cute with a double chin?

2 Responses to “I took the plunge…again.”

  1. Rach April 5, 2010 at 12:28 pm #

    I refused to shop for bathing suits. I really do. It sends me to a deep, dark place where I don’t want to go….:). You look great, sister.

  2. Tiff April 5, 2010 at 11:35 pm #

    OMG, I don’t even want to THINK about finding a bathing suit this year! We were considering going somewhere south this week (Spring Break), but the mere thought of having to not only find a bathing suit, but put it on and wear it on a public beach was enough to decide we just needed to spend this SB home! 😉 Do you think our sons will ever fully grasp the sacrifices we made on their behalf?? I guess they’re worth it, down to the last stretch mark!

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